Well, well, well…here I am again. I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Utah and for the first time in many months, I actually feel relaxed. I apologize for those of you who have missed my thoughts or rants, but I swear, you would need a break from the world too.
Here is my life in the nearly 5 months since my last post:
While in Panama, I decided to check my home voice mail. No real reason…just dumb luck. There was a message from my Dad stating to call me when I got home from the trip (didn’t want to call my cell phone and bother me). Well, this is very like my Dad. Not wanting the attention to focus away from other’s lives. I immediately called the hospital and I wasn’t allowed to talk to him. The nurse’s station said that he had about 4 doctors in there now. The nurse also wouldn’t tell me anything. So, for the next 45 minutes, I talked to my Mom (who was with me in Panama) and we decided that it was probably nothing. It wasn’t. My Dad, Aunt, and Step-mother were in a pretty horrific accident on the way to my Dad’s cabin in Pine, AZ. A teenaged driver, with her mother, lost control of the car and pretty much landed on top of my Dad’s SUV. The mother of the teen was thrown from the car (no seatbelt) and died instantly. The teen driver suffered a broken collar-bone and some paralysis in her legs. My Aunt suffered a badly broken arm, broken ribs, and some back injuries. My Dad had a compound fracture in his leg, broken ribs, and had a massive heart attack once he entered the ER. My step-mother died. She suffered from a severed carotid artery and many other internal injuries.
My Aunt spent 2.5 weeks in the hospital. My Dad, nearly a month (got pneumonia and had a pretty risky leg surgery). Not a lot of words can describe how my life changed in just a phone call, so I won’t digress any more than usual. My Dad got home at the end of July/beginning of August (time wasn’t really on my mind). He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t remember a lot of things…and here he was in the house that he and his wife had left on 7/2/2008 with every intention of returning. It used to be a running joke that he would obviously “go” first. He was not ready for this. I spent my days working in North Phoenix and driving to Gold Canyon every other day. I was exhausted in every way imaginable.
I had plans with my friend Dan to go to Costa Rica over Labor Day…for which I felt monumentally guilty. I was told to go by my Dad or I wouldn’t be allowed in his house. This is how it works with us. Amazing trip - similar, yet completely different from Panama (which, FYI, my Mom was convinced was an island). I felt really good.
I came back to have my bday party with the nearest and dearest, which, I have to admit was a riot. A good friend came out to visit with his wonderful wife and we saw the Counting Crows. Yes, I really believed things were going to be ok (fine is a relative term that I refuse to use anymore).
Then my Dad started having difficulty breathing towards the middle of September. He called an ambulance and was readmitted to the hospital. This time for quadruple bypass surgery. They had to wait almost 10 days to really get him stabilized. This was especially hard. Shock is a surprisingly helpful feeling when trying to handle a situation….planning is not. Especially for the mother of all planners. He had a 10 hour surgery and I sat in that waiting room the whole time. Ugh. He suffered a lot of bleeding and had what the doctor’s deemed “a few close calls.” I left the ICU that night feeling that things, though still uncertain, were definitely going to improve. He slept for the next 2 days. As I returned, I discovered that he wasn’t himself…wasn’t speaking correctly…was shaking…couldn’t hold a cup properly. He had a stroke. Well, damn. That wasn’t one of the side effects that they had mentioned. It was a small one, but bad enough nonetheless. They couldn’t put him on blood thinners because of the heart issue….which was what he needed.
Over the next 2 weeks, he gained a lot of that back….seems to be ok (possible limp or so). He went home and needed some pretty heavy supervision. He got it from a myriad of people whom I will never be able to really thank. Still has some lingering issues (like not walking very well yet and one of his lungs being so full of fluid it is hard to catch his breath). Better, though…which is a relative term that has come to mean a lot to me in a short period of time.
This has been a really difficult time in my life. I have known a lot of people who have suffered this year, and I am sorry for your losses and difficulties. I truly am. I get that feeling now. My step-mom was a good person and she loved me. This I know. This has also been hard because I really have been doing this alone. My bro and my Dad don’t have a relationship….which is their issue. But it means that I get to do this on my own (step mom had no kids). I am still dealing with that fact…that our parents are not invincible, and at times are completely helpless. I have no delusions that they won’t eventually die, but we all imagine that to happen in their sleep after being witty and sarcastic at the dinner table (is that just my family?). Seeing someone as intimidating as my father not be able to hold a cup is humbling and terrifying. Being the person in charge of cremation/burial and general emotional support is exhausting. It may be selfish to state that — and really? that is ok. I will say this….and you can’t argue….I have the most amazing people in my life. I am not going to highlight them all…but I will name a few that have been instrumental, because I think that they deserve attention and Lord knows, I never let anyone else get attention while I am around.
My Mom — if you still have a Mom, hug her, if you don’t, then say a prayer of thanks. My Mom was with me when I discovered this and has offered nudging/advice throughout the process. There are not enough words to describe what she means to me, but I think I have a greater respect for her and her grace.
WK — Shit. She listens and gets angry when I do. I can’t ask for more than that in a best friend. I really can’t. Plus, she got to describe medical stuff to me and that helps a lot. She can also make me laugh any time she wants to….which has been a lot this season.
Dan — Go gay or go home. Dan has been able to listen and actively take my mind off of things. Thank you. It has helped. Plus, he had his own death experience recently and was able to be a sounding board about the trials and tribulations that go with all of that.
Kacey — though you are far away, your support I feel even when we don’t talk…just something that we are connected with. You genuinely care, and I am grateful for that.
Kellita — We are so goofy and you have constantly reminded me of that and how much better we are than everyone else.
Guttersnake — nobody can change a conversation’s mood like you and I have needed that
Tee-Dub — I miss you but I always know that you are there for me, regardless of the situation. Stability and history are very nice.
Alexis — nobody can talk at length about the ridiculous like you and I can. Thanks!
Jarret - Nice to focus on your issues (and….burn!!!) — it is nice to be helpful to someone to someone with such a huge impact on my life
Jeff C — Nobody normalizes me like you do….I swear I will call you!
There are hundreds more….but I thought of you guys initially. Thank you. I would kick someone’s ass for you any day….or fire them for you.
So, there is a lot of other stuff that I will inevitably forget to mention. Here is a small list of my thoughts.
- I am happy about the election
- I hated Breaking Dawn
- My friends are incredible…and I don’t know why that still surprises me
- Family is more than a word
- Work can be stressful at the most inopportune times
- I am nervous about having retorn my shoulder
- Scared for my Dad as he deals with the idea of living/being alone
- Realizing that life is too precious to spend time covering up what you don’t want people to see
- Strength is another relative term
- I miss certain people more than they think
- I think this world has more grey in it than I once thought
- I miss my step-mom
- Utah is cold
- “Baby, I’m a cop, stop, put up your hands and surrender to me”
- I am so happy for my friends
- I am glad to have reconnected with old friends (thank you facebook and myspace)
- I need to really take a break
All for now….felt it was time
